Call me stuck up

You might be wondering why I've been so quiet about the whole "dating" thing. Well there is a good reason for that and - well i'm just not. I don't know what happened since the summer but it's like the entire thing just fell off. I'm still kind of looking around and open to this whole online dating thing.

It's hard to stay open minded and call me crazy but WTF is with these guys who live with their parents!!!! I don't care if you are a male or female but if you are above the age of 24 and you live at home. This is a problem.

I've been told this is a "city" way of thinking and that out there in regular places - this is acceptable. Am I nuts? I can't.

Homegirl was right...

Have you ever noticed that no matter what age you are, there is always some douche bag who tells you that the next years decade of your life is going to be your best? I was told that my 30s are going to be the best years of my life because you spend your 20's trying to figure out who you are and you spend your 30's actually being that person.

SO, I spent my entire 20's figuring out that THIS is me? THIS is the "best years" of my life? I don't think SO. I think the best years of your entire life are the (if you go away to school) your 4 years in college. Maybe not all 4, maybe just the first three.

The following is a list of why life is never going to be as fun as it was in college:

1) Your job is pointless - you are probably a waitress or bartender and when you need some extra drinking money you hang around and wait for someone to come in hung over and take their shift.

2) You never really have to go to work because everyone knows someone more poor then are waiting at the front door with a smile and 10 reasons why they should take your shift.

3) You and your friends are bonded by a common goal - frat guys, Charlotte Ruse, free drinks, obtaining a fake ID and NOT getting arrested.

4) There's always some drunk idiot around to make fun of - as long as that person isn't you - you win.

5) When you buy something from Bed Bath and Beyond - it's for your apartment. Not because it's on a registry.

6) You feel guilty if you are staying in one night because you SHOULD go out every night of the week.

7) You look for ANY free drink deal, even if it means holding your pee until you feel if you could power wash the dance floor if you let it out - because you don't want to be the first person to use the bathroom and shut down the open bar for everyone.

8) EVERYONE is single - EVERYONE.

9) You are poor because you gave up your shift at the local Bennigan's but you are OK because you know at least on person who works in every directory category in the mall and can hook it up with a discount.

10) Thinking that when these 4 years are over you are going to be set out into the world and can finally figure out what you are going to be when you grow up. (For the record, I was wrong on the whole being a construction worker thing - I fear that my strong need for a bi-weekly manicure would get in the way of my fast paced career path).

If I could turn back time,,,,

I caved

Went to LA and all I came back with was some pictures of Richard Simmons and a Twitter Account. I'm one of those ass holes. Follow me - don't follow me. Whatever. But here's my name Followmissyjoy.

Teacher Man

So tonight was supposed to be date 3 with Teacher Man. We made plans last night and this morning I get a text that he has started seeing someone last week and he doesn't think it's right to go out. (however last night - it was ok).

This is a trend I'm finding on this little journey of mine. I'd like to call this text the "I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me." Text. Long gone are the days of post it break ups. (not that this is a break up). But wow.

The funny thing is - this is the second guy in a month to do this. At least this one was only dating the girl a week. UNLIKE the other guy who was taking me out while he was in and LIVED WITH his girlfriend of 5 years. And girls are crazy? Where do these people come from and why do I keep meeting them? Seriously!!??

OH and this morning - I was invited to ANOTHER WEDDING.

Confession

So for a while I've had this blog and just didn't know exactly what to do with it besides post the random shit that pops into my head (because this insanity has to go somewhere and you people seem to like it). Finally my tragidy is your lunch time "bullshit, I don't feel like working or being on facebook break.

In the last year I have attended the following: (6 going on 7) Weddings (4) Bachlerette parties (2) Bridal Showers (1) Engagement Party (2) Rehersal dinners and (1) Engagement party. I currently have taped to my fridge 3 save the date cards and am awaiting 5 more for 2010.

Now there is NO WAY a 31 going on 32 year old SINGLE NEW YORKER can sit through all of these: Penis straws, candy almonds, lost hotel keys, shoe blisters, near death experiences with spanx and 1 close make-out call with a friends mildly retarted 23 year old cousin - without it forcing you to take a long, hard look at your own life.

I have always been loud, outspoken, center of attention wanting, tell it like it is, half Italian half Jew kinda gal. But, when it comes to guys am eternally 13. Nervous is not the word. I clam up. I don't speak. I sometimes puke. NOT GOOD.

The guys I do date make me feel like I'm judging the "Can there possibly be any worse?" contest. There are just oh so many freaks out there and I find them. When I tell people about these guys and who I encounter - no one believes me.

So I did what every over 30 year old does and tells no one. I joined an internet dating site that I've never really given much effort in the past. THIS TIME - I'm going to really TRY to meet someone of importance. (so I can force seek revenge on my good friends by making my worlds oldest bridesmaids).

So, it starts now, YOU get to take this jorney through the river of douche bags with me. So sit back...relax and enjoy the ride. It's going to be LOOOOONG.

Happy 4th of July Jerks

That's Hot

Dear Facebook,

I hate you facebook. Even when I'm slammed at work and I feel as if I will never get through the day, you call to me. You MAKE me log on. (You bastard you).

You make me look for people I haven't spoken to since the 2nd grade AND compel me to email them. DAMN YOU.

When I come home……… intoxicated…….at 4am…… you tell me, go a head, send that email…it's cool. It's like a drunk dial….complete with a photo montage of other drunken nights (evidence).

When I'm sitting at home and an old school song is blasting out of my ipod and it makes me think, "Gee I wonder what happened to that guy I used to date in the 8th grade?" You taunt me….log in…he has a page. (Good to know facebook is allowed in prison…kidding…sort of)

When one of my friends tells an endearing story about that slutty girl from high school….You beg me to look her up because in an ironic twist of fate she is now a minister's wife in Kentucky with three kids. (Well maybe three different babies daddies but whatever)

I hate you facebook for being on my blackberry so you are always at my fingertips begging to be pressed. (come on look at me - I want to know who's doing what at the gym and who is telling the WORLD that they are so in love with their husbands after weeks of telling us how he is a cheating bastard). And for thinking that status updates are a great idea after several margaritas because deep down I think the first thing my mom wants to do when she wakes up in the morning is see just how stupid I really am.

What the heck is a poke for? Someone please tell me. At first I thought it was friendly. Than someone told me it was a flirtatious thing. I'm not sure I want to be flirtatious with the people I poke. Naturally.

I think to get back at me you send my profile out to all the middle aged shirtless Guido's who take pictures in the bathroom mirror with a cell phone camera in the tri-state area. My personal favorites are the guys who have the Italian flag all over. (I really like THOUSANDS of pictures of you at a bar with your spiky haired, orange tinted friends drinking red bull and vodka mixed in with photos of you and your 87 cousins under the age of 8. So hot.)


I hate you facebook for making is SO easy for people to be found. Oh well….see you in 10 min when I log on AGAIN!!! Stupid FACEBOOK. (Or as I like to call it consensual stalking)

Random thoughts

When people in NY talk about "water bugs" they really mean " cockroaches the size of my head"

How come when I'm in a room with someone I don't like I'm told to "act like an adult" and be nice? Why? I thought grown ups weren't supposed to pretend anymore?

When I hear someone talking in another language it always sounds like they are yelling at me.

31 year olds should not own futons. (working on it)

22 year olds should not have shoes that are more expensive than my rent.

Who invented the zipper and is there an unknown zipper fortune somewhere?

I want to go to a bar in another country and dance to the song "American Woman".

I think the depressed people in the cymbalta commercial should just shower and put on make up…they would feel better.

How come when a homeless guy wearing a burger king crown smelling like pee gets onto a crowded subway he stands next to me? EVERY TIME.

Why to the Jesus people stand sit on the bench at the 42nd street subway to talk about God? I mean I'm not THAT religious but....I'm pretty sure when asked "What Would Jesus do?" ...the answer isn't "take the 6 uptown and transfer to the F"

I'd like to buy a vintage Volkswagen bug so that I can drive around and watch children slap each other as I drive past.

If you are a single female living alone you and you are over the age of 25 you should NOT get your first cat.

How come if there is a time in your life where you become too old to be a flower girl you are never too old to be a bridesmaid?

I think every other New Years eve is fun. It's like fate decides the you can not possibly have two good years in a row. Pretty soon you know just don't go out every other year.

John Mayor is a tool

Why does the winter feel so long and summer feels so short?

How is this possible?

So the other night I was sitting at home doing my favorite past time. Catching up on A&E's intervention. (Don't judge).

Just when I think that I've seen it all..a new wacko comes on and somehow manages to make me feel better about my life. This week it's little Miss Nicole. Nicole has an eating disorder but I think it's more of a phobia. She is afraid to SWALLOW and get's all her food though a feeding tube that she has had for 14 years!!!!! She even spits out her own saliva rather than swallow it. The reason for her fear is down right horrific - she associates swallowing with sexual abuse from her childhood. WHich - not funny at all.

She is about to loose her husband and two kids if she doesn't get her shit together. As think of the show the next day a few things dawn on me....

- This hot mess has a HUSBAND! Granted he is like an inch away from legally being a midget. I don't get it. A girl with a feeding tube and FEAR of giving Kepie (ask your jewish friends to translate) manages to somehow find someone to marry. I mean WTF! Why am I finding this so hard!!! RIDDLE ME THIS A&E - where is my soul midget?