Still drinking and reading emails!

hey miss lady (Miss or lady?  Am I young or old?) how your doing today, well I just want to say hi first of all,
and to tell you that your are a very sexy woman also I can tell you have a pretty smile (nice tits) and eyes very soft (like two grapes that have been left in the cup holder of a car in Florida) and sensual looking (you look like you could go for a good old fashion porking - PS probably true), plus from what I can see you have a hot body (nice tits)... sorry i call it as i see it but i think you already know that. i can't be the only guy who told you that well i know I'm not lol. (because of your big tata's) i would also like to know what are your interests as far as types  (Are you into black guy?)of enjoyment or in other words, what thrills you. (I have a season pass to Great Adventure) I know your a busy woman and you have more important things to do besides be on here, so If and when you have the time to write back, hit me up and we can start from there.


Enjoy the rest of your day luv.. 


This email is like one giant run on sentence.  I mean, I'm no middle school English teacher, but I know a thing or two about . , () and !

Dating Profile Translations

Profile:29-year old, disease-free, successful male with a few metrosexual tendencies I suppose. For example, no homo but I did enjoy seeing Justin Timberlake in concert (Don’t judge okay!). I thought the music was catchy and well choreographed.

Translation: It burns when I pee.  Could be that from that one time in college with my fraternity brother after the lambda sigma lamda ep party.  I hope there aren’t pictures.

Profile: Mostly, I’m looking for someone with a warm heart who can enjoy my imperfections just like I enjoy hers. By the way, motherly qualities are the sexiest qualities a woman can have…

Translation: I’m pretty f-ed up and I like crazy girls who pick up my socks off the floor and who’s good at folding laundry.  PS- I live with my mom.

Email SWAGGER

So one of the dating sites I'm on is purely for entertainment. There is absolutly no way I'm ever going to meet a single decent person on this site.  But I keep it - so I can receive emails like this.  The red comments are what I was thinking as I read this masterpiece.   As I read I am also downing beers.


I won't take up much of your time and I hope this message finds you well (and naked). As this is an esoteric site (I like to email with a theasuarus next to me), I feel awkward in messaging you for fear you’d think I’m a creep. I am not one of the ubiquitous ones all dating sites have (I have picked up the theasurus again). You know the ones that send you messages with one line that says ..."hey sexy" or "Sup baby!!" I don't know how to start this off but I wanted to write you something that’s against the normal and yet annoying messages you probably receive on a regular basis. So here I go: I looked through your profile and it has piqued my interest and I’d like to know more about you. I find you very attractive. (naturally) I'm a big nerd and I’m always up for learning new things. Hey tell me what’s the difference between nerd, geek and dork? (nothing you are the one with the theasurus  - look that shit up) Don't they kinda mean the same thing? I am a gadget, technology, computer freak. What does that make me?? (an IT professional)

While you are attractive I do have to be honest with you on 2 things. (Honesty is the best policy)
1) The fact that you reply "selectively" made me even more apprehensive in messaging you. So I’m not expecting you to reply back to me.  (the site notes how often a person replies - since I never do - it say's I am selective)
2) You probably have been hit with what I'm about to say but I still have to be completely honest with you. At the moment I am looking to have a good time/casual sex. (Casual sex with an internet stranger? - I can finally be the slut of my aspirations) However I’m not a hit it and quit it type. (I believe the term is hit it quit it and dip) I'd like it to be an ongoing thing.

*exhales*(translation - I'm done jerking off to your pictures) Okay now that I got it out in the open and you know where I'm coming from I hope this message at least put a smile on your face. Have a good one.


*Please note that as I stated above I am drinking and can not for the life of me remember how to spell check - nor - do I really care right now.