I no wear safety hat when riding

The following profile is an ACTUAL online profile of someone who has contacted me by sending me an email that said "hi".  I feel a wedding coming on!!!

My self-summary

hi,my name is eyal,i like to have fun time with my frinds, (who are imagianary) i"m down to erthk indaguy (wtf)..i like motorcycel end been arund them,,(i work in a motorcycel shop..)i like to keep myself active&soprt alot:)running &walking:) (FANKS AND BEANS)

What I’m doing with my life

i work in a motorcycel&like it alot..meetn new peupels.. (poopels? like those little stuffed animals I had when I was 7.  I love poopels)

I’m really good at

listel:) (Lysol? keeping things clean?)

The first things people usually notice about me

good heart guy:) (I am shocked it is not your stellar communication skills)

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

movies all kind..just not scary type
all kind food not excited abuot hot..:) (Hot food is over rated - I prefer to eat everything luke warm or tepid - I really just like to use the word Tepid from time to time in a sentence because it just means LUKE FREAKING WARM)

Still drinking and reading emails!

hey miss lady (Miss or lady?  Am I young or old?) how your doing today, well I just want to say hi first of all,
and to tell you that your are a very sexy woman also I can tell you have a pretty smile (nice tits) and eyes very soft (like two grapes that have been left in the cup holder of a car in Florida) and sensual looking (you look like you could go for a good old fashion porking - PS probably true), plus from what I can see you have a hot body (nice tits)... sorry i call it as i see it but i think you already know that. i can't be the only guy who told you that well i know I'm not lol. (because of your big tata's) i would also like to know what are your interests as far as types  (Are you into black guy?)of enjoyment or in other words, what thrills you. (I have a season pass to Great Adventure) I know your a busy woman and you have more important things to do besides be on here, so If and when you have the time to write back, hit me up and we can start from there.


Enjoy the rest of your day luv.. 


This email is like one giant run on sentence.  I mean, I'm no middle school English teacher, but I know a thing or two about . , () and !

Dating Profile Translations

Profile:29-year old, disease-free, successful male with a few metrosexual tendencies I suppose. For example, no homo but I did enjoy seeing Justin Timberlake in concert (Don’t judge okay!). I thought the music was catchy and well choreographed.

Translation: It burns when I pee.  Could be that from that one time in college with my fraternity brother after the lambda sigma lamda ep party.  I hope there aren’t pictures.

Profile: Mostly, I’m looking for someone with a warm heart who can enjoy my imperfections just like I enjoy hers. By the way, motherly qualities are the sexiest qualities a woman can have…

Translation: I’m pretty f-ed up and I like crazy girls who pick up my socks off the floor and who’s good at folding laundry.  PS- I live with my mom.

Email SWAGGER

So one of the dating sites I'm on is purely for entertainment. There is absolutly no way I'm ever going to meet a single decent person on this site.  But I keep it - so I can receive emails like this.  The red comments are what I was thinking as I read this masterpiece.   As I read I am also downing beers.


I won't take up much of your time and I hope this message finds you well (and naked). As this is an esoteric site (I like to email with a theasuarus next to me), I feel awkward in messaging you for fear you’d think I’m a creep. I am not one of the ubiquitous ones all dating sites have (I have picked up the theasurus again). You know the ones that send you messages with one line that says ..."hey sexy" or "Sup baby!!" I don't know how to start this off but I wanted to write you something that’s against the normal and yet annoying messages you probably receive on a regular basis. So here I go: I looked through your profile and it has piqued my interest and I’d like to know more about you. I find you very attractive. (naturally) I'm a big nerd and I’m always up for learning new things. Hey tell me what’s the difference between nerd, geek and dork? (nothing you are the one with the theasurus  - look that shit up) Don't they kinda mean the same thing? I am a gadget, technology, computer freak. What does that make me?? (an IT professional)

While you are attractive I do have to be honest with you on 2 things. (Honesty is the best policy)
1) The fact that you reply "selectively" made me even more apprehensive in messaging you. So I’m not expecting you to reply back to me.  (the site notes how often a person replies - since I never do - it say's I am selective)
2) You probably have been hit with what I'm about to say but I still have to be completely honest with you. At the moment I am looking to have a good time/casual sex. (Casual sex with an internet stranger? - I can finally be the slut of my aspirations) However I’m not a hit it and quit it type. (I believe the term is hit it quit it and dip) I'd like it to be an ongoing thing.

*exhales*(translation - I'm done jerking off to your pictures) Okay now that I got it out in the open and you know where I'm coming from I hope this message at least put a smile on your face. Have a good one.


*Please note that as I stated above I am drinking and can not for the life of me remember how to spell check - nor - do I really care right now.  

This will hold you over

So I haven't had much to post lately.  (Translation - I'm one lazy bitch).  I promise I will have something soon.  But I do have a good reason.  I haven't even been really dating because I don't even have a dating Pool.  I have a puddle.

All of the good ones are married or gay.  (Mostly gay).  So I've created this other blog so that I can show you just what I'm dealing with when I'm going through pictures.  Enjoy while I continue to die alone.

http://imsinglebecause.tumblr.com/

Dating Profile pictures - Don'ts

1)      The group shot – there’s 4 dudes in the picture.  I’m going to assume you are the midget in the photo. (And is that guy on the end single?  He’s hot)

2)      Kitten – Just a kitten?  Really?  A) that’s stupid B) what guy has a cat? B) I’m allergic C )I simply hate cats

3)      Hospital  – You holding a baby in the hospital.  Sure this could be your niece or cousin or god child..I’m not going to click on to read – I’m going to assume it’s your kid and you are douchy enough to ditch the mother of your child and create a profile.

4)      Car – Right a picture of your car is going to make me swoon.  I’m 33 not 16.  Any fuckwad can lease a BMW that doesn’t mean your mother doesn’t pay your rent, or that you don’t live in her basement.

5)      Orange shirt – It looks like a prison mug shot

6)      Web Cam self portrait – You know that screen shot that Chris Hanson shows right before he reads the dirty email about a tube of lube and a jar of pickles to the underage boy?  That’s what this picture looks like.  Plus, you didn’t make your bed and there is a poster on the wall of Harry Potter.  Clearly you don’t even live in the basement.  You are 40 and share a room with your brother in your mom’s house.  She still does your laundry.

7)      Sunglasses at night – Clearly you are in a club wearing sunglasses.  You are “that” guy and I don’t want to even be seen with you let alone go out on Staten Island.

8) Happy Trail - Awesome but I don't really care to see what you look like admiring yourself in the bathroom with your gym shorts pulled down and your happy trail showing.  Besides - I prefer the manscape.

9) Tree - really - a landscape shot?  What's that supposed to mean?  Did you go there? Do you live there.  I want to see a realistic image of what you look like - not the backdrop to "On Golden Pond"

10) Daddy issues - hey old guy.  Just because you have a "heart of Gold" doesn't mean that I'm going to forget the fact that you had your own apartment when the Berlin wall came down and I watched it in my 4th grade classroom.  I already have a father and I'm not looking for a replacement.