Flowers for Algernon

Everyone has one in their family.  The crazy aunt.  My aunt Gloria has made it her personal mission in life to solve the age old question of "why the hell aren't you married yet"?  This is nothing new - she has been doing this since I'm 23.

So one day at the OLD age of 25 I get a phone call from her.  "Missy - you are still not seeing anyone right?"  (Awesome- just the pep talk I need as I sit at the front desk of a tiny advertising agency where my main function is to make coffee and feed fish while getting paid a few cents more then a migrant farm worker).  

ME: No, I am STILL not seeing anyone thank you for asking.

Aunt: "Well I want to set you up with someone who's very sweet. (translation  - He's been featured on Dateline NBC).  

ME: Well, no thank you I don't think I want to be set up with anyone (I plan to continue my after work jaunts to the bridge and tunnel happy hour bars and drunkenly make out with someone who's name I do not care to know)

Aunt:  Well you might like him - he's a little older.  

Me; HOW OLD? 

Aunt: 40

Me: I"M 25!  How do you know this person? Did you meet him on the street??

Aunt:  Well no - he works at the nursery where I buy my plants

Me:  A FLORIST!  You want to set me up with a 40 year old FLORIST?  Does he OWN it or he's working there?

Aunt:  He works there - He's very nice but I think he's "a little slow",

Me:  What?

Aunt:  You know - slightly off.

Me:  You want me to go out with a 40 year old autistic florist? 

Aunt: Well Missy - you need to meet someone!

- And that my friends is why to this day - I'm still single. Because I don't want to marry an autistic Florist.  

AHOY SAILOR!

I remember my first time like it was yesterday,  I wasn't even 21.  It was my very good friend from high school and we were all excited because none of us have ever done this before.  It involved lots of drinking, and the whole night was basically a blur.  My first Bachelorette  party.

Now as much as I dislike being a bridesmaid and alllll of the drama that goes with it.  This is where my maid expertise truly shines.  I don't just slap a penis on my friends head and push her out into this cruel world.  No no.  That is armature shit.  I research, write poems, give gifts, find Tanny's, make shirts and have established a fool proof formula of the "bridal bank" to make sure that everyone chips in equally and there is no thought of money once you are 3 patron's into the night.

As I plan one of my last parties - I have come to the cruel acceptance that a 32 year old with a penis on her head doesn't look as "cute" and fun as it does when you are 25 it's just sad.

What's worse is that I will never be that girl with a penis on my head.  I will be that woman who is finally getting married and my bachlorette party is just going to be called "mom's night out" because all of my friends will either be pregnant with their third kid or home doing their son's science project.

 I feel like my penis ship has sailed.  I am now on the finger food and spa day ship where all the guests are talking about effective methods of breast feeding..   I hate this ship.  This ship is my worst nightmare.  I hope to god that I have at least one friend who will stand up to the masses and say "We will stick a penis on her old head and we will make her a suck for a buck shirt  - why? Because she's our friend and she deserves a penis hat!"