If Usher was a young white frat boy from Florida

And I say Florida because of the hemp necklace. Any hoe, when I first watched this I laughed. Than after like 1 min into it, the guy got kind of cute to me. By the end.....I decided that I'd totally hit it (and I haven't even had anything to drink yet). That just goes to show you where a hemp necklace, musical ability and love of hip-hop will get you with me.

Translation for Corporate America

I am one of those lucky people who work in Corporate America.  (Yes, all my girlhood dreams have come true).  And while I consider my environment a laid back atmosphere there are still those ass holes who use Corporate jargon on a constant basis to try and make you think that they know everything when in reality, they are the biggest dip shits for miles.  You know who the are, everyone has one.  They will use a sentence such as "I'm sorry, I don't mean to talk shop at lunch, but, did Jennifer ever follow-up with you on that work order? No?  Well I'll follow-up with her to make sure that she partners with you and than we will circle back...I just want to make sure we have all our ducks in a row.  

I thought I'd take the time to translate this douchie language for you so that you too can understand how to be an a-hole.

Follow- up = Stalk

Partner = Ask

Ducks in a row = cover my own ass

Circle back  = annoy the crap out of you until you are forced to complete the task so I can shut up.

Thinking outside the Box  = I'm an asshole who can't think of a single original thing..and i just proved it by using the most obvious phrase ever.

Offline Conversation  = Please don't tell HR that I'm talking to you and staring at your boobs.

On the same page  = Just in case the shit hits the fan, you are going down too.

COB (close of business) - Hurry up asshole

Touch Base - Thanks for answering the phone.

Heads up  - I just got you in trouble, but wanted to let you know first so I appear concerned.

Working "off-site" - I'm getting a bikini wax, but my blackberry is on.

The one Douche I didn't date

I have dated a whole lot of douche bags in my time.  In fact there one existed, I could have my very own Douche bag parade.  It almost be a battle royale to figure out who would be the parade marshall. I digress.

So this is a voicemail left by a guy who my mother would describe as "not very bright" to a woman named Olga whom he meet the night before for a total of 10 seconds.  I'm guessing homegirl had a few drinks in her because she gave this tool box her business card with her number on it.  (really? who does that? That is sooo Hampton Inn suites hotel bar at 2:30 am on a business trip to Minneapolis)  

http://view.break.com/527579 - Watch more free videos

People who annoy me

*Disclaimer - This list is purely observational and not directed at anyone specific.  Should you find yourself fitting into one of these categories, you should consider submitting an audition tape for a Lifetime Network reality show (or the Bachelor because those girls are INSANE)

1. Inappropriate Concert Fist pumpers - You know who they are.  They are usually drunk and way too old to be there.  There's a slow jam on and the fist pumper is screaming at the stage in an "it's like they are talking JUST to me way."  It's a slow jam and 54 year old step dad is rocking out like he's at CBGB's.
2. Cinda-relique - These are grown adults that have no children and have an unnatural fascination with Disney.  They own every movie on VHS and DVD.  They go several times a year on vacation.  There are at least three Disney stickers or stuffed animals on the back of their car.  This condition is most common in gay men and unattractive single women.  Every time I go to visit my parents in Orlando i am forced to sit with these people on the airplane.  I am sometimes lucky enough to sit next to a couple who are returning from their honeymoon wearing the ears.  (yea that looks great at JFK)
3. It's never too early for Jesus - The crazy church lady on the 4 or 5 train who's screaming  about our lord.  Dude, Jesus is cool and all but even he doesn't want to hear you yelling this early, when it's this hot, and my head is in the armpit of a homeless man.
4. The girl in the banana clip - Please tell me where in this day and age, does one find a banana clip to purchase and why would you?  I think they all come from the Midwest (which is reason number 3894320 why i hate that entire area)
5. Basketball is always in season -   These kids are ALWAYS selling candy for their basketball team. WHY?  I mean doesn't the season EVER end?  I want them to tell the truth.  "look man, I just store this box of candy from the Bodega on the corner, you like like your drunk, hungry or high. let's talk."  I feel like I might be more inclined to purchase the $5 starburst if that kid was honest.  It's either that or Manhattan is home to the world's richest basketball team of 10 year olds.
6. My new new Garbage man - I used to have the worlds best garbage man in all of Manhattan.  He sang Jay-Z every night.  He sang to the rats.  I miss.
7. Head to toe Denim - There is no one single occasion that warrants head to toe denim.  NONE.  Especially matching denim.
8. Early Exit - In the morning the train is PACKED.  The door is about to open, you are facing it.  Your face is pressed against the dirty hot glass and you are CLEARLY about to exit as soon as that door opens and the dill hole behind you says "excuse me" so that you can move and he can be the fist out. A) the door is still closed. B) I'm getting out too. C) I do not have the ability to walk through walls.
9. Midnight Movie Babies - I HATE when i go to a movie...a grown up movie...not a cartoon. And some unfit mother brings her baby.  Thinking the baby will sleep through the dolby digital explosins they are shocked when  the child wakes up and cries.  I think there should be baby free movies, restaurants and airplane times.  So people like me who don't like them and don't want to hear them, do not have to suffer.
10. Two cell phone dude - Sadly, it's me.  I have two.  I'm that asshole.