Dear Facebook,

I hate you facebook. Even when I'm slammed at work and I feel as if I will never get through the day, you call to me. You MAKE me log on. (You bastard you).

You make me look for people I haven't spoken to since the 2nd grade AND compel me to email them. DAMN YOU.

When I come home……… intoxicated…….at 4am…… you tell me, go a head, send that email…it's cool. It's like a drunk dial….complete with a photo montage of other drunken nights (evidence).

When I'm sitting at home and an old school song is blasting out of my ipod and it makes me think, "Gee I wonder what happened to that guy I used to date in the 8th grade?" You taunt me….log in…he has a page. (Good to know facebook is allowed in prison…kidding…sort of)

When one of my friends tells an endearing story about that slutty girl from high school….You beg me to look her up because in an ironic twist of fate she is now a minister's wife in Kentucky with three kids. (Well maybe three different babies daddies but whatever)

I hate you facebook for being on my blackberry so you are always at my fingertips begging to be pressed. (come on look at me - I want to know who's doing what at the gym and who is telling the WORLD that they are so in love with their husbands after weeks of telling us how he is a cheating bastard). And for thinking that status updates are a great idea after several margaritas because deep down I think the first thing my mom wants to do when she wakes up in the morning is see just how stupid I really am.

What the heck is a poke for? Someone please tell me. At first I thought it was friendly. Than someone told me it was a flirtatious thing. I'm not sure I want to be flirtatious with the people I poke. Naturally.

I think to get back at me you send my profile out to all the middle aged shirtless Guido's who take pictures in the bathroom mirror with a cell phone camera in the tri-state area. My personal favorites are the guys who have the Italian flag all over. (I really like THOUSANDS of pictures of you at a bar with your spiky haired, orange tinted friends drinking red bull and vodka mixed in with photos of you and your 87 cousins under the age of 8. So hot.)


I hate you facebook for making is SO easy for people to be found. Oh well….see you in 10 min when I log on AGAIN!!! Stupid FACEBOOK. (Or as I like to call it consensual stalking)