Dating Profile Translations

Profile:29-year old, disease-free, successful male with a few metrosexual tendencies I suppose. For example, no homo but I did enjoy seeing Justin Timberlake in concert (Don’t judge okay!). I thought the music was catchy and well choreographed.

Translation: It burns when I pee.  Could be that from that one time in college with my fraternity brother after the lambda sigma lamda ep party.  I hope there aren’t pictures.

Profile: Mostly, I’m looking for someone with a warm heart who can enjoy my imperfections just like I enjoy hers. By the way, motherly qualities are the sexiest qualities a woman can have…

Translation: I’m pretty f-ed up and I like crazy girls who pick up my socks off the floor and who’s good at folding laundry.  PS- I live with my mom.

Email SWAGGER

So one of the dating sites I'm on is purely for entertainment. There is absolutly no way I'm ever going to meet a single decent person on this site.  But I keep it - so I can receive emails like this.  The red comments are what I was thinking as I read this masterpiece.   As I read I am also downing beers.


I won't take up much of your time and I hope this message finds you well (and naked). As this is an esoteric site (I like to email with a theasuarus next to me), I feel awkward in messaging you for fear you’d think I’m a creep. I am not one of the ubiquitous ones all dating sites have (I have picked up the theasurus again). You know the ones that send you messages with one line that says ..."hey sexy" or "Sup baby!!" I don't know how to start this off but I wanted to write you something that’s against the normal and yet annoying messages you probably receive on a regular basis. So here I go: I looked through your profile and it has piqued my interest and I’d like to know more about you. I find you very attractive. (naturally) I'm a big nerd and I’m always up for learning new things. Hey tell me what’s the difference between nerd, geek and dork? (nothing you are the one with the theasurus  - look that shit up) Don't they kinda mean the same thing? I am a gadget, technology, computer freak. What does that make me?? (an IT professional)

While you are attractive I do have to be honest with you on 2 things. (Honesty is the best policy)
1) The fact that you reply "selectively" made me even more apprehensive in messaging you. So I’m not expecting you to reply back to me.  (the site notes how often a person replies - since I never do - it say's I am selective)
2) You probably have been hit with what I'm about to say but I still have to be completely honest with you. At the moment I am looking to have a good time/casual sex. (Casual sex with an internet stranger? - I can finally be the slut of my aspirations) However I’m not a hit it and quit it type. (I believe the term is hit it quit it and dip) I'd like it to be an ongoing thing.

*exhales*(translation - I'm done jerking off to your pictures) Okay now that I got it out in the open and you know where I'm coming from I hope this message at least put a smile on your face. Have a good one.


*Please note that as I stated above I am drinking and can not for the life of me remember how to spell check - nor - do I really care right now.  

This will hold you over

So I haven't had much to post lately.  (Translation - I'm one lazy bitch).  I promise I will have something soon.  But I do have a good reason.  I haven't even been really dating because I don't even have a dating Pool.  I have a puddle.

All of the good ones are married or gay.  (Mostly gay).  So I've created this other blog so that I can show you just what I'm dealing with when I'm going through pictures.  Enjoy while I continue to die alone.

http://imsinglebecause.tumblr.com/

Dating Profile pictures - Don'ts

1)      The group shot – there’s 4 dudes in the picture.  I’m going to assume you are the midget in the photo. (And is that guy on the end single?  He’s hot)

2)      Kitten – Just a kitten?  Really?  A) that’s stupid B) what guy has a cat? B) I’m allergic C )I simply hate cats

3)      Hospital  – You holding a baby in the hospital.  Sure this could be your niece or cousin or god child..I’m not going to click on to read – I’m going to assume it’s your kid and you are douchy enough to ditch the mother of your child and create a profile.

4)      Car – Right a picture of your car is going to make me swoon.  I’m 33 not 16.  Any fuckwad can lease a BMW that doesn’t mean your mother doesn’t pay your rent, or that you don’t live in her basement.

5)      Orange shirt – It looks like a prison mug shot

6)      Web Cam self portrait – You know that screen shot that Chris Hanson shows right before he reads the dirty email about a tube of lube and a jar of pickles to the underage boy?  That’s what this picture looks like.  Plus, you didn’t make your bed and there is a poster on the wall of Harry Potter.  Clearly you don’t even live in the basement.  You are 40 and share a room with your brother in your mom’s house.  She still does your laundry.

7)      Sunglasses at night – Clearly you are in a club wearing sunglasses.  You are “that” guy and I don’t want to even be seen with you let alone go out on Staten Island.

8) Happy Trail - Awesome but I don't really care to see what you look like admiring yourself in the bathroom with your gym shorts pulled down and your happy trail showing.  Besides - I prefer the manscape.

9) Tree - really - a landscape shot?  What's that supposed to mean?  Did you go there? Do you live there.  I want to see a realistic image of what you look like - not the backdrop to "On Golden Pond"

10) Daddy issues - hey old guy.  Just because you have a "heart of Gold" doesn't mean that I'm going to forget the fact that you had your own apartment when the Berlin wall came down and I watched it in my 4th grade classroom.  I already have a father and I'm not looking for a replacement.

Many of you have been asking where I’ve been (ok two people).  But honestly I’ve had nothing really to write about.  My dating life has been much like this blog – inconsistent and mildly vapid.

But now the holidays are upon us and it’s yet another consistent reminder that I am STILL participating in this constant parade douchbaggery called “dating.”  It’s not all bad I mean there are certainly pluses to being single in the holidays.  In no particular order  - here they are

-          Open invitation to get drunk at the many fashion industry open bar holiday parties and then play “find the straight guy”.  

-          Instead of looking for various sporting events and trying to figure out what to buy this man of my dreams – I can spend my money on other things – like – Patron.

-          I don’t have to sit through an awkward dinner at someone else’s family’s house while my mother silently judges me for not being with “My” family.

-          Even if I start dating someone now – I can still ditch them before Valentine’s day without feeling obligated to stick it out.

-          NO ONE IS GETTING MARRIED this time of year.

-          Taking comfort in the trashy ways ultimate single girl Chelsea Handler spends her time.

-          Not having to fight others for the best Christmas toy of 2010 for a 2 year old that won’t remember this anyway simply for bragging rights to the other mommies.

-          I don’t have to send Christmas cards.  Unless there is a child picture on the front or monetary pleasure inside that card.  No one wants it.

Flowers for Algernon

Everyone has one in their family.  The crazy aunt.  My aunt Gloria has made it her personal mission in life to solve the age old question of "why the hell aren't you married yet"?  This is nothing new - she has been doing this since I'm 23.

So one day at the OLD age of 25 I get a phone call from her.  "Missy - you are still not seeing anyone right?"  (Awesome- just the pep talk I need as I sit at the front desk of a tiny advertising agency where my main function is to make coffee and feed fish while getting paid a few cents more then a migrant farm worker).  

ME: No, I am STILL not seeing anyone thank you for asking.

Aunt: "Well I want to set you up with someone who's very sweet. (translation  - He's been featured on Dateline NBC).  

ME: Well, no thank you I don't think I want to be set up with anyone (I plan to continue my after work jaunts to the bridge and tunnel happy hour bars and drunkenly make out with someone who's name I do not care to know)

Aunt:  Well you might like him - he's a little older.  

Me; HOW OLD? 

Aunt: 40

Me: I"M 25!  How do you know this person? Did you meet him on the street??

Aunt:  Well no - he works at the nursery where I buy my plants

Me:  A FLORIST!  You want to set me up with a 40 year old FLORIST?  Does he OWN it or he's working there?

Aunt:  He works there - He's very nice but I think he's "a little slow",

Me:  What?

Aunt:  You know - slightly off.

Me:  You want me to go out with a 40 year old autistic florist? 

Aunt: Well Missy - you need to meet someone!

- And that my friends is why to this day - I'm still single. Because I don't want to marry an autistic Florist.  

AHOY SAILOR!

I remember my first time like it was yesterday,  I wasn't even 21.  It was my very good friend from high school and we were all excited because none of us have ever done this before.  It involved lots of drinking, and the whole night was basically a blur.  My first Bachelorette  party.

Now as much as I dislike being a bridesmaid and alllll of the drama that goes with it.  This is where my maid expertise truly shines.  I don't just slap a penis on my friends head and push her out into this cruel world.  No no.  That is armature shit.  I research, write poems, give gifts, find Tanny's, make shirts and have established a fool proof formula of the "bridal bank" to make sure that everyone chips in equally and there is no thought of money once you are 3 patron's into the night.

As I plan one of my last parties - I have come to the cruel acceptance that a 32 year old with a penis on her head doesn't look as "cute" and fun as it does when you are 25 it's just sad.

What's worse is that I will never be that girl with a penis on my head.  I will be that woman who is finally getting married and my bachlorette party is just going to be called "mom's night out" because all of my friends will either be pregnant with their third kid or home doing their son's science project.

 I feel like my penis ship has sailed.  I am now on the finger food and spa day ship where all the guests are talking about effective methods of breast feeding..   I hate this ship.  This ship is my worst nightmare.  I hope to god that I have at least one friend who will stand up to the masses and say "We will stick a penis on her old head and we will make her a suck for a buck shirt  - why? Because she's our friend and she deserves a penis hat!"