EW I just keep thinking of the Brit Brit movie

I have to say I'm really at one of the WEIRDEST points in my life.  For the first time in I'm 11 years old, I am not a working member of society.

One one hand.....I wouldn't change one single thing about how or why it all went down.  It needed to happen for me.  Here I am at (Ahem) 38 years old and giving this what feels like - a 3rd chance at life.

I almost thank God (which is something I don't do) everyday that this part of my life came after my weight loss surgery.  I think back to when I was heavier and I was afraid to look for other jobs.  For so many reasons:  (1) My TH family accepted me no matter what.  They didn't see my size and they didn't judge me.  (2) I was not confident and it showed.  Even if I got called in for an interview, I don't think I had anything too wear that fit.


I'm so so so very thankful and FUCKING TERRIFIED for this moment.  I don't even have a clue as to what I want to do.  What to go into but I do know, all I want is to find my passion.  I have many loves, and many things that I'm good at but I want my "PASSION"  that thing, deep inside that pushes you to go on even when you are tired or sad because you LOVE IT.

Part of me thinks I found what makes me happy,  It's helping people in some possible way feel confident.  I just have no clue how to go about mixing the two to form, you know a life style.

What would you do if you could do anything?   (I'd marry rich but so far  -  that's fucking not panning out as planned)

Find your Passion? WTF

  

I know, I know.....I've been AWFUL with this.  Well folks...good news and bad.  The GOOD news is:  I have a TON of free time to keep this updated now  and I have more time to date so that is always good for a laugh (or reason to die).

The bad news, (really just for me) is that I was laid off in June.  Which totally sucks but it's nice to actually have time as an adult to find your passion.  (And to think this entire time I've been looking for it on Tinder)

Speaking of dating.  How much does it SUCK!?  Since the weight loss, I've had two relationships and now I'm being REALLY forced to get to know the new me on my own.   

I still feel like I'm dealing with my last break up (which was seriously like 6 months ago.  I need to get OVER it).   My issue with it is that...it was a great relationship.  I can honestly say that he was wonderful but we just weren't right for each other.  That's a hard thing to say at 38.

So....now what?

The "New Me" is a bitch. (Maybe)

In the last few days SEVERAL people have suggest I read the book called "Why Men Love Bitches".  Apparently, I do it all wrong....all the time.

I have to say I'm not really a big believer in these books.  I just feel like I'm going to be myself and the right guy will like me for me.   Apparently,  not the case.

I think there is a disconnect when you go from being a larger gal in the dating world to a smaller one and it honestly has zero to do with size.  It's all mental.  It's how you feel about yourself and what you think you see in the mirror.  The truth is what  you see in that mirror is what other people are going to see in you.  If you are confident, no matter what size tag is on your shirt, that's what comes off to people.

I was not one of those people.  I think that's why "old me" made TERRIBLE choices in men.  It's like I thought "OMG someone likes this lumpy fat girl, this is my ONLY shot".    I've learned to get past that part now and I've learned to like the way I look.  But I do notice I continue to be a doormat when it comes to men.  It's not that I think that there will be no one else, it's just that I want to be the "nice girl".

The nice girl is always usually available and the nice girl will rearrange her schedule to see the new guy she is dating.  The nice girl always makes room because she wants to be accommodating.  

The real theme to this book (that I think everyone should read).  Is to be your OWN person.  Have your OWN thoughts, express them.  Have plans, have a life, do things.  It's easy to get caught up in something new but that flame burns out quickly because there is nothing left to discover.  You (or he or both) get bored and you feel like you've already been through all phases of the relationship.

It honestly made me see so many places where I went wrong in my previous relationship.  (Other than the fact that I shouldn't have been in it in the first place).

So now, I've been on two whole dates with this new guy.  We shall call him "the quiet one" because he could be the quietest person I have ever dated.  The quiet one has this annoying habit of texting me, I reply and than nothing for an entire day.  I mean do you get a response, throw your phone into an abyss and spend the next 24 hours fishing it out?  ANNOYING.

The quiet one seems like someone I could possibly really like (based on our two dates) but who knows, I'm sure the Jordan Vandersloot had 2 dates with the same girl.  (Yes I have a fear of serial killers).  So it's been two weeks and he's been sick.  I was about to write him off when last night I got a flirty text from him.  Before reading this book I would have texted something flirty back.  I stopped myself and thought, it's Friday night and he needs to wonder if I'm out.  So New Melissa did not text back.  (But totally will later today because I'm not a bitch, I'm mysterious damn it).

I'm totally ready to put this theory to the test.  If this doesn't work my next book is going to be "How to have your dog not eat your face when you die alone"

Skinny Bitch

I know I know....I'm never on.  I never had anything to say before now!  I've struggled for a while about what this blog should be about since I'm kind of all over the place myself.  But here's a history to catch you up since the last post.

I've now lost 105 lbs.  WHOOOOO.   Back in January when I hit under 200 I decided that NYE 2013 was going to be the start of my "Slutbatical".  I was going to make up for lost time.  I was so ready to go.  I rented this HOT red dress from rent the runway (lace).  I went to a match.com stir event at a hot night spot in NYC.  I WAS READY.

So we walk in.  All the ladies, not cute.  (HELLO BELL OF THE BALL!).  I mean it was amazing.  Cute guys and now this!  Anyway, I decided to to scope the room.  I see who I think is the hottest guy there and walk up to him and tell him so.  Naturally...he is a total dick.  My next move, more booze.

I take my drink and sit down...it's midnight.  My long time "what if" guy texts me.  I instantly cry.  NOT how I want to ring in 2014.  Like at all.  (More booze is needed.  Head straight to the bar.)

Along comes said "hottest guy in the room" and he is nice and says he is sorry.  We talk for like 10 min.  I drink for 7 of those min.  Cut to...bathroom make out.  Nice....(Slutbatical...back on).

We end up leaving shortly after.  He is promising me he wants to take me to dinner that Friday.  Fine whatever.  This starts our long line of texting.  I start noticing.  He is FUCKING INSANE.  Like off the charts, wears his mothers clothing while playing the acoustic guitar naked and looking in the mirror - INSANE.

WTF...Skinny girls aren't supposed to have problems like this!  SOMEONE LIED TO ME!

Cut to Friday..I tell this guy to NEVER contact me again and figure out how to block him from calling (thanks google!).  As I'm doing this I get a message on OKcupid from a guy who looks like he is JUST my type...Blond, Blue eyed, Midwestern.  I agree to go out with him that night.  And than we dated for 8 months.  So my "Slutbatical" was 3 days of texting a potential serial killer.

Sadly, or not so sadly (as that relationship seemed to to be one of connivance and less of actual giving a shit) ended.

So now I'm back in it.  Skinnier and more lost than ever.  I miss the "what if" dude daily and talk to him on and off.  He's the worst thing for me and I keep doing it.  I'm pissed that my bf of connivance has moved on to a 30 year old hipster with a fucking cat and plastic bows in her hair.  She looks like she only speaks in a baby voice and she is absolutely called something that ends in a "y" or "i".

So now I think my entire approach to dating needs to change since I did.  I'm going into "Skinny Bitch Mode"

PHAT with a PH

Well it's that time of year again.  You know when I post something and make promises to update this and all of a sudden it's a year later?  I know I suck at updating this.  But A LOT has gone on this past year that has kept me from updating.

Many of my inspiration comes from attempting to date and well I didn't do a ton of that in 2013.  Here's why....I spent most of it (as I have spent the last 12-14 years) as a fatty.  Fun fact: Fatties don't like to date.  I mean I would get myself out there as much as possible but - well the guys that I am attracted to, don't really like chunky girls.

So I have spent the better part of the year not trying to focus on dating and really trying to focus on myself.  Trying to lose weight and nail this promotion I've been hunting down for the last 2 years.  So on this last few hours of 2013 I can say I've nailed 1.5 of those things.  I DID get the promotion (high five to myself) and I've lost 78 lbs.  And here it goes ... I'm going to throw it out there.  I went from 255 (that's right...I'm going to own that number) to 177.  Now, I'm 5'2.  I am by NO means thin now.  I still would like to drop another 52 lbs.  Which is no small task.  But I'm ready for it.

So this year I thought in addition to my dating and work struggles I would also include how freaking hard it is to manage to lose weight, work your ass off and find a man who isn't a total douche bag.

I can say that there is a giant difference between dating at 255 pounds and 177.  I can see how now I feel like I have more options and I can be a little more picky.  By picky I don't mean snobby but I do notice how I don't put up with things I would have put up with in the past.  Which is good because that just means I'm gaining confidence and THAT is the most sexy thing a woman can possess.  It's not about the size of my jeans, it's about I feel about myself.

So tonight, in honor of making 2014 my bitch, I'm spending NYE at one of those match.com stir events.  This is going to go one of 3 ways.

1) Vulva Convention - The entire place is going to consist of 200+ women who have spent hours and hours prepping and primping thinking that there are going to be a ton of cute guys only to spend the night attempting to drink $160 worth of open bar only to end the night barefoot on the dance floor singing "I'm a survivor" and screaming that this turned out awesome because "I have no single friends in the city anymore and now we can have a girls night out"  ?

2) What Agency are you an Account Coordinator for? - Everyone will be a 23 year old entry level Coordinator for an advertising agency.  "Oh e-marketing for a pharmaceutical company? Sounds exciting!" (said no one).   Should this be the case, I'm 25 and "I totally think that I'm going to make Account Director in a year or so - let's celebrate now with some shots of pink shit".  I have no shame.  It's NYE.

3)Tony and Ant escape the island - The only people that show up to this thing is every Italian dude on Staten Island.  They spend hours on their GTL today and spend a good chunk of the time roaming around the mall to find the perfect deep V shirt to wear.

If I'm lucky I will run into Tony the Italian 23 year old AC from Staten Island.  I will do my best to drink the cost of my ticket and end the night screaming barefoot on the dance floor with Tony's cousin Brianna and her 34 drunk girlfriends.

Life is like a box of chocolate..and black nipples

Now that I'm slowly stepping back into the NYC dating puddle, I thought I'd share what is out there. This guy. I'm not sure why this is profile picture or who this attracts. But here you go.

Like 2 lemons? Or 2 grapefruit?

Look I'm really excited that you Are a champion for world peace (because that will happen and it's original) and that you have a job you like.

But...lets discuss your balls.

First Gross e-mail of 2013

Woke up to this gem.  My thoughts in red.

As a big ol teddy bear (Old and bald) , Id be glad to open all your jars for you.(My profile mentions that I SUCK at opening jars)  But I do have to say being a standup and someone you may wanna meet uuuuuuuummmmmm I really hope your balls aren't bigger than mine. (there is zero mention of balls of any type in my profile.  Why would you email a girl and imply she has testicles?) Could lead to me having a major complex thus forcing society to pay for my meds. So no balls for you. :)  (Look 40+ man, I do not want your balls.  I do not want you to mention balls. I do not want to accidentally picture your balls. I don't even want to know if you play football or watch it)

Day 1

Well it's been 2013 for about 10 hours and the similarities between this and 2012 are pretty much exact. I woke up feeling hung over and awful. Tried to talk my dog into not having to pee and then barfed a little.

So far - I'm right on track.

I am proud to say I made it through NYE without saying or doing anything that would make me totally embarrassed. I spent it doing something that I never do - hanging out in Brooklyn. With an amazing friend and not playing into the crappy hype that surrounds NYE in NYC. Best decision so far. I hope for your reading pleasure (all 4 of you) that this year is filled with stupid mistakes I can publicly discuss. (Or else this shit will be super lame)

I'm back bitch

I don't think there is a single person on this planet who is happier to see this year finally get flushed down the old toilet.

One of my 2013 promises to myself is to get back out there.  Travel more, go out more and take a few more risks.  I will write about all the stupid things I do and say along the way.  And that my friends is my promise to you in this upcoming year.  All 5 of you who read this.  So get ready for some drunk blogging because that is a guarantee.

Language of Love

To say that I have neglected this blog is probably speaking to kindly.  I flat out abandoned it for quite some time.  But I promise I had a good reason.  But I promised someone that I would try and focus on this a little bit more and provide some entertainment.  

I really didn't know what to say since my dating life has been non existent since December.  In the spirit of rejoining life, I posted a slightly stupid profile on Plenty of Fish.  All it took me was 10 hours to figure out why this site creep-ed me out before.  This is the gem of an email I just received. 

Here is what I want to write back:

Dear Chicken Choker (that's what the profile picture is),

What a silly question, do I like sperm?  I love sperm.  I think sperm is the best invention since truffle oil.  Clearly my profile screams how much I like sperm.  

Please tell me about your profile picture for I find it fascinating.  Are you the one choking the chicken or are you suggesting your chicken be choked?  I just like to know these things up front.  You seem like the kind of guy that really knows how to treat a lady.  

I see your profile says your "Looking for a Relationship". How is that working out for you?  Have you found your sperm soul mate yet?  I also see that your profession is listed as "direct deposit".  As in your paycheck from your job is direct deposited or you know your way around a sperm bank?    Clearly since your "About Me" section says that you are on here looking for your future wife and start a family, sperm acceptance is a must.  You are a modern day John Hughs.  I want you to Lloyd Dobbler me with talks of sperm.  xoxo

I no wear safety hat when riding

The following profile is an ACTUAL online profile of someone who has contacted me by sending me an email that said "hi".  I feel a wedding coming on!!!

My self-summary

hi,my name is eyal,i like to have fun time with my frinds, (who are imagianary) i"m down to erthk indaguy (wtf)..i like motorcycel end been arund them,,(i work in a motorcycel shop..)i like to keep myself active&soprt alot:)running &walking:) (FANKS AND BEANS)

What I’m doing with my life

i work in a motorcycel&like it alot..meetn new peupels.. (poopels? like those little stuffed animals I had when I was 7.  I love poopels)

I’m really good at

listel:) (Lysol? keeping things clean?)

The first things people usually notice about me

good heart guy:) (I am shocked it is not your stellar communication skills)

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

movies all kind..just not scary type
all kind food not excited abuot hot..:) (Hot food is over rated - I prefer to eat everything luke warm or tepid - I really just like to use the word Tepid from time to time in a sentence because it just means LUKE FREAKING WARM)

Still drinking and reading emails!

hey miss lady (Miss or lady?  Am I young or old?) how your doing today, well I just want to say hi first of all,
and to tell you that your are a very sexy woman also I can tell you have a pretty smile (nice tits) and eyes very soft (like two grapes that have been left in the cup holder of a car in Florida) and sensual looking (you look like you could go for a good old fashion porking - PS probably true), plus from what I can see you have a hot body (nice tits)... sorry i call it as i see it but i think you already know that. i can't be the only guy who told you that well i know I'm not lol. (because of your big tata's) i would also like to know what are your interests as far as types  (Are you into black guy?)of enjoyment or in other words, what thrills you. (I have a season pass to Great Adventure) I know your a busy woman and you have more important things to do besides be on here, so If and when you have the time to write back, hit me up and we can start from there.


Enjoy the rest of your day luv.. 


This email is like one giant run on sentence.  I mean, I'm no middle school English teacher, but I know a thing or two about . , () and !

Dating Profile Translations

Profile:29-year old, disease-free, successful male with a few metrosexual tendencies I suppose. For example, no homo but I did enjoy seeing Justin Timberlake in concert (Don’t judge okay!). I thought the music was catchy and well choreographed.

Translation: It burns when I pee.  Could be that from that one time in college with my fraternity brother after the lambda sigma lamda ep party.  I hope there aren’t pictures.

Profile: Mostly, I’m looking for someone with a warm heart who can enjoy my imperfections just like I enjoy hers. By the way, motherly qualities are the sexiest qualities a woman can have…

Translation: I’m pretty f-ed up and I like crazy girls who pick up my socks off the floor and who’s good at folding laundry.  PS- I live with my mom.

Email SWAGGER

So one of the dating sites I'm on is purely for entertainment. There is absolutly no way I'm ever going to meet a single decent person on this site.  But I keep it - so I can receive emails like this.  The red comments are what I was thinking as I read this masterpiece.   As I read I am also downing beers.


I won't take up much of your time and I hope this message finds you well (and naked). As this is an esoteric site (I like to email with a theasuarus next to me), I feel awkward in messaging you for fear you’d think I’m a creep. I am not one of the ubiquitous ones all dating sites have (I have picked up the theasurus again). You know the ones that send you messages with one line that says ..."hey sexy" or "Sup baby!!" I don't know how to start this off but I wanted to write you something that’s against the normal and yet annoying messages you probably receive on a regular basis. So here I go: I looked through your profile and it has piqued my interest and I’d like to know more about you. I find you very attractive. (naturally) I'm a big nerd and I’m always up for learning new things. Hey tell me what’s the difference between nerd, geek and dork? (nothing you are the one with the theasurus  - look that shit up) Don't they kinda mean the same thing? I am a gadget, technology, computer freak. What does that make me?? (an IT professional)

While you are attractive I do have to be honest with you on 2 things. (Honesty is the best policy)
1) The fact that you reply "selectively" made me even more apprehensive in messaging you. So I’m not expecting you to reply back to me.  (the site notes how often a person replies - since I never do - it say's I am selective)
2) You probably have been hit with what I'm about to say but I still have to be completely honest with you. At the moment I am looking to have a good time/casual sex. (Casual sex with an internet stranger? - I can finally be the slut of my aspirations) However I’m not a hit it and quit it type. (I believe the term is hit it quit it and dip) I'd like it to be an ongoing thing.

*exhales*(translation - I'm done jerking off to your pictures) Okay now that I got it out in the open and you know where I'm coming from I hope this message at least put a smile on your face. Have a good one.


*Please note that as I stated above I am drinking and can not for the life of me remember how to spell check - nor - do I really care right now.  

This will hold you over

So I haven't had much to post lately.  (Translation - I'm one lazy bitch).  I promise I will have something soon.  But I do have a good reason.  I haven't even been really dating because I don't even have a dating Pool.  I have a puddle.

All of the good ones are married or gay.  (Mostly gay).  So I've created this other blog so that I can show you just what I'm dealing with when I'm going through pictures.  Enjoy while I continue to die alone.

http://imsinglebecause.tumblr.com/

Dating Profile pictures - Don'ts

1)      The group shot – there’s 4 dudes in the picture.  I’m going to assume you are the midget in the photo. (And is that guy on the end single?  He’s hot)

2)      Kitten – Just a kitten?  Really?  A) that’s stupid B) what guy has a cat? B) I’m allergic C )I simply hate cats

3)      Hospital  – You holding a baby in the hospital.  Sure this could be your niece or cousin or god child..I’m not going to click on to read – I’m going to assume it’s your kid and you are douchy enough to ditch the mother of your child and create a profile.

4)      Car – Right a picture of your car is going to make me swoon.  I’m 33 not 16.  Any fuckwad can lease a BMW that doesn’t mean your mother doesn’t pay your rent, or that you don’t live in her basement.

5)      Orange shirt – It looks like a prison mug shot

6)      Web Cam self portrait – You know that screen shot that Chris Hanson shows right before he reads the dirty email about a tube of lube and a jar of pickles to the underage boy?  That’s what this picture looks like.  Plus, you didn’t make your bed and there is a poster on the wall of Harry Potter.  Clearly you don’t even live in the basement.  You are 40 and share a room with your brother in your mom’s house.  She still does your laundry.

7)      Sunglasses at night – Clearly you are in a club wearing sunglasses.  You are “that” guy and I don’t want to even be seen with you let alone go out on Staten Island.

8) Happy Trail - Awesome but I don't really care to see what you look like admiring yourself in the bathroom with your gym shorts pulled down and your happy trail showing.  Besides - I prefer the manscape.

9) Tree - really - a landscape shot?  What's that supposed to mean?  Did you go there? Do you live there.  I want to see a realistic image of what you look like - not the backdrop to "On Golden Pond"

10) Daddy issues - hey old guy.  Just because you have a "heart of Gold" doesn't mean that I'm going to forget the fact that you had your own apartment when the Berlin wall came down and I watched it in my 4th grade classroom.  I already have a father and I'm not looking for a replacement.

Many of you have been asking where I’ve been (ok two people).  But honestly I’ve had nothing really to write about.  My dating life has been much like this blog – inconsistent and mildly vapid.

But now the holidays are upon us and it’s yet another consistent reminder that I am STILL participating in this constant parade douchbaggery called “dating.”  It’s not all bad I mean there are certainly pluses to being single in the holidays.  In no particular order  - here they are

-          Open invitation to get drunk at the many fashion industry open bar holiday parties and then play “find the straight guy”.  

-          Instead of looking for various sporting events and trying to figure out what to buy this man of my dreams – I can spend my money on other things – like – Patron.

-          I don’t have to sit through an awkward dinner at someone else’s family’s house while my mother silently judges me for not being with “My” family.

-          Even if I start dating someone now – I can still ditch them before Valentine’s day without feeling obligated to stick it out.

-          NO ONE IS GETTING MARRIED this time of year.

-          Taking comfort in the trashy ways ultimate single girl Chelsea Handler spends her time.

-          Not having to fight others for the best Christmas toy of 2010 for a 2 year old that won’t remember this anyway simply for bragging rights to the other mommies.

-          I don’t have to send Christmas cards.  Unless there is a child picture on the front or monetary pleasure inside that card.  No one wants it.

Flowers for Algernon

Everyone has one in their family.  The crazy aunt.  My aunt Gloria has made it her personal mission in life to solve the age old question of "why the hell aren't you married yet"?  This is nothing new - she has been doing this since I'm 23.

So one day at the OLD age of 25 I get a phone call from her.  "Missy - you are still not seeing anyone right?"  (Awesome- just the pep talk I need as I sit at the front desk of a tiny advertising agency where my main function is to make coffee and feed fish while getting paid a few cents more then a migrant farm worker).  

ME: No, I am STILL not seeing anyone thank you for asking.

Aunt: "Well I want to set you up with someone who's very sweet. (translation  - He's been featured on Dateline NBC).  

ME: Well, no thank you I don't think I want to be set up with anyone (I plan to continue my after work jaunts to the bridge and tunnel happy hour bars and drunkenly make out with someone who's name I do not care to know)

Aunt:  Well you might like him - he's a little older.  

Me; HOW OLD? 

Aunt: 40

Me: I"M 25!  How do you know this person? Did you meet him on the street??

Aunt:  Well no - he works at the nursery where I buy my plants

Me:  A FLORIST!  You want to set me up with a 40 year old FLORIST?  Does he OWN it or he's working there?

Aunt:  He works there - He's very nice but I think he's "a little slow",

Me:  What?

Aunt:  You know - slightly off.

Me:  You want me to go out with a 40 year old autistic florist? 

Aunt: Well Missy - you need to meet someone!

- And that my friends is why to this day - I'm still single. Because I don't want to marry an autistic Florist.  

AHOY SAILOR!

I remember my first time like it was yesterday,  I wasn't even 21.  It was my very good friend from high school and we were all excited because none of us have ever done this before.  It involved lots of drinking, and the whole night was basically a blur.  My first Bachelorette  party.

Now as much as I dislike being a bridesmaid and alllll of the drama that goes with it.  This is where my maid expertise truly shines.  I don't just slap a penis on my friends head and push her out into this cruel world.  No no.  That is armature shit.  I research, write poems, give gifts, find Tanny's, make shirts and have established a fool proof formula of the "bridal bank" to make sure that everyone chips in equally and there is no thought of money once you are 3 patron's into the night.

As I plan one of my last parties - I have come to the cruel acceptance that a 32 year old with a penis on her head doesn't look as "cute" and fun as it does when you are 25 it's just sad.

What's worse is that I will never be that girl with a penis on my head.  I will be that woman who is finally getting married and my bachlorette party is just going to be called "mom's night out" because all of my friends will either be pregnant with their third kid or home doing their son's science project.

 I feel like my penis ship has sailed.  I am now on the finger food and spa day ship where all the guests are talking about effective methods of breast feeding..   I hate this ship.  This ship is my worst nightmare.  I hope to god that I have at least one friend who will stand up to the masses and say "We will stick a penis on her old head and we will make her a suck for a buck shirt  - why? Because she's our friend and she deserves a penis hat!"