Dating Profile pictures - Don'ts

1)      The group shot – there’s 4 dudes in the picture.  I’m going to assume you are the midget in the photo. (And is that guy on the end single?  He’s hot)

2)      Kitten – Just a kitten?  Really?  A) that’s stupid B) what guy has a cat? B) I’m allergic C )I simply hate cats

3)      Hospital  – You holding a baby in the hospital.  Sure this could be your niece or cousin or god child..I’m not going to click on to read – I’m going to assume it’s your kid and you are douchy enough to ditch the mother of your child and create a profile.

4)      Car – Right a picture of your car is going to make me swoon.  I’m 33 not 16.  Any fuckwad can lease a BMW that doesn’t mean your mother doesn’t pay your rent, or that you don’t live in her basement.

5)      Orange shirt – It looks like a prison mug shot

6)      Web Cam self portrait – You know that screen shot that Chris Hanson shows right before he reads the dirty email about a tube of lube and a jar of pickles to the underage boy?  That’s what this picture looks like.  Plus, you didn’t make your bed and there is a poster on the wall of Harry Potter.  Clearly you don’t even live in the basement.  You are 40 and share a room with your brother in your mom’s house.  She still does your laundry.

7)      Sunglasses at night – Clearly you are in a club wearing sunglasses.  You are “that” guy and I don’t want to even be seen with you let alone go out on Staten Island.

8) Happy Trail - Awesome but I don't really care to see what you look like admiring yourself in the bathroom with your gym shorts pulled down and your happy trail showing.  Besides - I prefer the manscape.

9) Tree - really - a landscape shot?  What's that supposed to mean?  Did you go there? Do you live there.  I want to see a realistic image of what you look like - not the backdrop to "On Golden Pond"

10) Daddy issues - hey old guy.  Just because you have a "heart of Gold" doesn't mean that I'm going to forget the fact that you had your own apartment when the Berlin wall came down and I watched it in my 4th grade classroom.  I already have a father and I'm not looking for a replacement.