PHAT with a PH

Well it's that time of year again.  You know when I post something and make promises to update this and all of a sudden it's a year later?  I know I suck at updating this.  But A LOT has gone on this past year that has kept me from updating.

Many of my inspiration comes from attempting to date and well I didn't do a ton of that in 2013.  Here's why....I spent most of it (as I have spent the last 12-14 years) as a fatty.  Fun fact: Fatties don't like to date.  I mean I would get myself out there as much as possible but - well the guys that I am attracted to, don't really like chunky girls.

So I have spent the better part of the year not trying to focus on dating and really trying to focus on myself.  Trying to lose weight and nail this promotion I've been hunting down for the last 2 years.  So on this last few hours of 2013 I can say I've nailed 1.5 of those things.  I DID get the promotion (high five to myself) and I've lost 78 lbs.  And here it goes ... I'm going to throw it out there.  I went from 255 (that's right...I'm going to own that number) to 177.  Now, I'm 5'2.  I am by NO means thin now.  I still would like to drop another 52 lbs.  Which is no small task.  But I'm ready for it.

So this year I thought in addition to my dating and work struggles I would also include how freaking hard it is to manage to lose weight, work your ass off and find a man who isn't a total douche bag.

I can say that there is a giant difference between dating at 255 pounds and 177.  I can see how now I feel like I have more options and I can be a little more picky.  By picky I don't mean snobby but I do notice how I don't put up with things I would have put up with in the past.  Which is good because that just means I'm gaining confidence and THAT is the most sexy thing a woman can possess.  It's not about the size of my jeans, it's about I feel about myself.

So tonight, in honor of making 2014 my bitch, I'm spending NYE at one of those match.com stir events.  This is going to go one of 3 ways.

1) Vulva Convention - The entire place is going to consist of 200+ women who have spent hours and hours prepping and primping thinking that there are going to be a ton of cute guys only to spend the night attempting to drink $160 worth of open bar only to end the night barefoot on the dance floor singing "I'm a survivor" and screaming that this turned out awesome because "I have no single friends in the city anymore and now we can have a girls night out"  ?

2) What Agency are you an Account Coordinator for? - Everyone will be a 23 year old entry level Coordinator for an advertising agency.  "Oh e-marketing for a pharmaceutical company? Sounds exciting!" (said no one).   Should this be the case, I'm 25 and "I totally think that I'm going to make Account Director in a year or so - let's celebrate now with some shots of pink shit".  I have no shame.  It's NYE.

3)Tony and Ant escape the island - The only people that show up to this thing is every Italian dude on Staten Island.  They spend hours on their GTL today and spend a good chunk of the time roaming around the mall to find the perfect deep V shirt to wear.

If I'm lucky I will run into Tony the Italian 23 year old AC from Staten Island.  I will do my best to drink the cost of my ticket and end the night screaming barefoot on the dance floor with Tony's cousin Brianna and her 34 drunk girlfriends.

Life is like a box of chocolate..and black nipples

Now that I'm slowly stepping back into the NYC dating puddle, I thought I'd share what is out there. This guy. I'm not sure why this is profile picture or who this attracts. But here you go.

Like 2 lemons? Or 2 grapefruit?

Look I'm really excited that you Are a champion for world peace (because that will happen and it's original) and that you have a job you like.

But...lets discuss your balls.

First Gross e-mail of 2013

Woke up to this gem.  My thoughts in red.

As a big ol teddy bear (Old and bald) , Id be glad to open all your jars for you.(My profile mentions that I SUCK at opening jars)  But I do have to say being a standup and someone you may wanna meet uuuuuuuummmmmm I really hope your balls aren't bigger than mine. (there is zero mention of balls of any type in my profile.  Why would you email a girl and imply she has testicles?) Could lead to me having a major complex thus forcing society to pay for my meds. So no balls for you. :)  (Look 40+ man, I do not want your balls.  I do not want you to mention balls. I do not want to accidentally picture your balls. I don't even want to know if you play football or watch it)

Day 1

Well it's been 2013 for about 10 hours and the similarities between this and 2012 are pretty much exact. I woke up feeling hung over and awful. Tried to talk my dog into not having to pee and then barfed a little.

So far - I'm right on track.

I am proud to say I made it through NYE without saying or doing anything that would make me totally embarrassed. I spent it doing something that I never do - hanging out in Brooklyn. With an amazing friend and not playing into the crappy hype that surrounds NYE in NYC. Best decision so far. I hope for your reading pleasure (all 4 of you) that this year is filled with stupid mistakes I can publicly discuss. (Or else this shit will be super lame)

I'm back bitch

I don't think there is a single person on this planet who is happier to see this year finally get flushed down the old toilet.

One of my 2013 promises to myself is to get back out there.  Travel more, go out more and take a few more risks.  I will write about all the stupid things I do and say along the way.  And that my friends is my promise to you in this upcoming year.  All 5 of you who read this.  So get ready for some drunk blogging because that is a guarantee.

Language of Love

To say that I have neglected this blog is probably speaking to kindly.  I flat out abandoned it for quite some time.  But I promise I had a good reason.  But I promised someone that I would try and focus on this a little bit more and provide some entertainment.  

I really didn't know what to say since my dating life has been non existent since December.  In the spirit of rejoining life, I posted a slightly stupid profile on Plenty of Fish.  All it took me was 10 hours to figure out why this site creep-ed me out before.  This is the gem of an email I just received. 

Here is what I want to write back:

Dear Chicken Choker (that's what the profile picture is),

What a silly question, do I like sperm?  I love sperm.  I think sperm is the best invention since truffle oil.  Clearly my profile screams how much I like sperm.  

Please tell me about your profile picture for I find it fascinating.  Are you the one choking the chicken or are you suggesting your chicken be choked?  I just like to know these things up front.  You seem like the kind of guy that really knows how to treat a lady.  

I see your profile says your "Looking for a Relationship". How is that working out for you?  Have you found your sperm soul mate yet?  I also see that your profession is listed as "direct deposit".  As in your paycheck from your job is direct deposited or you know your way around a sperm bank?    Clearly since your "About Me" section says that you are on here looking for your future wife and start a family, sperm acceptance is a must.  You are a modern day John Hughs.  I want you to Lloyd Dobbler me with talks of sperm.  xoxo