Like 2 lemons? Or 2 grapefruit?

Look I'm really excited that you Are a champion for world peace (because that will happen and it's original) and that you have a job you like.

But...lets discuss your balls.

First Gross e-mail of 2013

Woke up to this gem.  My thoughts in red.

As a big ol teddy bear (Old and bald) , Id be glad to open all your jars for you.(My profile mentions that I SUCK at opening jars)  But I do have to say being a standup and someone you may wanna meet uuuuuuuummmmmm I really hope your balls aren't bigger than mine. (there is zero mention of balls of any type in my profile.  Why would you email a girl and imply she has testicles?) Could lead to me having a major complex thus forcing society to pay for my meds. So no balls for you. :)  (Look 40+ man, I do not want your balls.  I do not want you to mention balls. I do not want to accidentally picture your balls. I don't even want to know if you play football or watch it)

Day 1

Well it's been 2013 for about 10 hours and the similarities between this and 2012 are pretty much exact. I woke up feeling hung over and awful. Tried to talk my dog into not having to pee and then barfed a little.

So far - I'm right on track.

I am proud to say I made it through NYE without saying or doing anything that would make me totally embarrassed. I spent it doing something that I never do - hanging out in Brooklyn. With an amazing friend and not playing into the crappy hype that surrounds NYE in NYC. Best decision so far. I hope for your reading pleasure (all 4 of you) that this year is filled with stupid mistakes I can publicly discuss. (Or else this shit will be super lame)

I'm back bitch

I don't think there is a single person on this planet who is happier to see this year finally get flushed down the old toilet.

One of my 2013 promises to myself is to get back out there.  Travel more, go out more and take a few more risks.  I will write about all the stupid things I do and say along the way.  And that my friends is my promise to you in this upcoming year.  All 5 of you who read this.  So get ready for some drunk blogging because that is a guarantee.

Language of Love

To say that I have neglected this blog is probably speaking to kindly.  I flat out abandoned it for quite some time.  But I promise I had a good reason.  But I promised someone that I would try and focus on this a little bit more and provide some entertainment.  

I really didn't know what to say since my dating life has been non existent since December.  In the spirit of rejoining life, I posted a slightly stupid profile on Plenty of Fish.  All it took me was 10 hours to figure out why this site creep-ed me out before.  This is the gem of an email I just received. 

Here is what I want to write back:

Dear Chicken Choker (that's what the profile picture is),

What a silly question, do I like sperm?  I love sperm.  I think sperm is the best invention since truffle oil.  Clearly my profile screams how much I like sperm.  

Please tell me about your profile picture for I find it fascinating.  Are you the one choking the chicken or are you suggesting your chicken be choked?  I just like to know these things up front.  You seem like the kind of guy that really knows how to treat a lady.  

I see your profile says your "Looking for a Relationship". How is that working out for you?  Have you found your sperm soul mate yet?  I also see that your profession is listed as "direct deposit".  As in your paycheck from your job is direct deposited or you know your way around a sperm bank?    Clearly since your "About Me" section says that you are on here looking for your future wife and start a family, sperm acceptance is a must.  You are a modern day John Hughs.  I want you to Lloyd Dobbler me with talks of sperm.  xoxo

I no wear safety hat when riding

The following profile is an ACTUAL online profile of someone who has contacted me by sending me an email that said "hi".  I feel a wedding coming on!!!

My self-summary

hi,my name is eyal,i like to have fun time with my frinds, (who are imagianary) i"m down to erthk indaguy (wtf)..i like motorcycel end been arund them,,(i work in a motorcycel shop..)i like to keep myself active&soprt alot:)running &walking:) (FANKS AND BEANS)

What I’m doing with my life

i work in a motorcycel&like it alot..meetn new peupels.. (poopels? like those little stuffed animals I had when I was 7.  I love poopels)

I’m really good at

listel:) (Lysol? keeping things clean?)

The first things people usually notice about me

good heart guy:) (I am shocked it is not your stellar communication skills)

Favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food

movies all kind..just not scary type
all kind food not excited abuot hot..:) (Hot food is over rated - I prefer to eat everything luke warm or tepid - I really just like to use the word Tepid from time to time in a sentence because it just means LUKE FREAKING WARM)

Still drinking and reading emails!

hey miss lady (Miss or lady?  Am I young or old?) how your doing today, well I just want to say hi first of all,
and to tell you that your are a very sexy woman also I can tell you have a pretty smile (nice tits) and eyes very soft (like two grapes that have been left in the cup holder of a car in Florida) and sensual looking (you look like you could go for a good old fashion porking - PS probably true), plus from what I can see you have a hot body (nice tits)... sorry i call it as i see it but i think you already know that. i can't be the only guy who told you that well i know I'm not lol. (because of your big tata's) i would also like to know what are your interests as far as types  (Are you into black guy?)of enjoyment or in other words, what thrills you. (I have a season pass to Great Adventure) I know your a busy woman and you have more important things to do besides be on here, so If and when you have the time to write back, hit me up and we can start from there.


Enjoy the rest of your day luv.. 


This email is like one giant run on sentence.  I mean, I'm no middle school English teacher, but I know a thing or two about . , () and !