Many of you have been asking where I’ve been (ok two people).  But honestly I’ve had nothing really to write about.  My dating life has been much like this blog – inconsistent and mildly vapid.

But now the holidays are upon us and it’s yet another consistent reminder that I am STILL participating in this constant parade douchbaggery called “dating.”  It’s not all bad I mean there are certainly pluses to being single in the holidays.  In no particular order  - here they are

-          Open invitation to get drunk at the many fashion industry open bar holiday parties and then play “find the straight guy”.  

-          Instead of looking for various sporting events and trying to figure out what to buy this man of my dreams – I can spend my money on other things – like – Patron.

-          I don’t have to sit through an awkward dinner at someone else’s family’s house while my mother silently judges me for not being with “My” family.

-          Even if I start dating someone now – I can still ditch them before Valentine’s day without feeling obligated to stick it out.

-          NO ONE IS GETTING MARRIED this time of year.

-          Taking comfort in the trashy ways ultimate single girl Chelsea Handler spends her time.

-          Not having to fight others for the best Christmas toy of 2010 for a 2 year old that won’t remember this anyway simply for bragging rights to the other mommies.

-          I don’t have to send Christmas cards.  Unless there is a child picture on the front or monetary pleasure inside that card.  No one wants it.

Flowers for Algernon

Everyone has one in their family.  The crazy aunt.  My aunt Gloria has made it her personal mission in life to solve the age old question of "why the hell aren't you married yet"?  This is nothing new - she has been doing this since I'm 23.

So one day at the OLD age of 25 I get a phone call from her.  "Missy - you are still not seeing anyone right?"  (Awesome- just the pep talk I need as I sit at the front desk of a tiny advertising agency where my main function is to make coffee and feed fish while getting paid a few cents more then a migrant farm worker).  

ME: No, I am STILL not seeing anyone thank you for asking.

Aunt: "Well I want to set you up with someone who's very sweet. (translation  - He's been featured on Dateline NBC).  

ME: Well, no thank you I don't think I want to be set up with anyone (I plan to continue my after work jaunts to the bridge and tunnel happy hour bars and drunkenly make out with someone who's name I do not care to know)

Aunt:  Well you might like him - he's a little older.  

Me; HOW OLD? 

Aunt: 40

Me: I"M 25!  How do you know this person? Did you meet him on the street??

Aunt:  Well no - he works at the nursery where I buy my plants

Me:  A FLORIST!  You want to set me up with a 40 year old FLORIST?  Does he OWN it or he's working there?

Aunt:  He works there - He's very nice but I think he's "a little slow",

Me:  What?

Aunt:  You know - slightly off.

Me:  You want me to go out with a 40 year old autistic florist? 

Aunt: Well Missy - you need to meet someone!

- And that my friends is why to this day - I'm still single. Because I don't want to marry an autistic Florist.  

AHOY SAILOR!

I remember my first time like it was yesterday,  I wasn't even 21.  It was my very good friend from high school and we were all excited because none of us have ever done this before.  It involved lots of drinking, and the whole night was basically a blur.  My first Bachelorette  party.

Now as much as I dislike being a bridesmaid and alllll of the drama that goes with it.  This is where my maid expertise truly shines.  I don't just slap a penis on my friends head and push her out into this cruel world.  No no.  That is armature shit.  I research, write poems, give gifts, find Tanny's, make shirts and have established a fool proof formula of the "bridal bank" to make sure that everyone chips in equally and there is no thought of money once you are 3 patron's into the night.

As I plan one of my last parties - I have come to the cruel acceptance that a 32 year old with a penis on her head doesn't look as "cute" and fun as it does when you are 25 it's just sad.

What's worse is that I will never be that girl with a penis on my head.  I will be that woman who is finally getting married and my bachlorette party is just going to be called "mom's night out" because all of my friends will either be pregnant with their third kid or home doing their son's science project.

 I feel like my penis ship has sailed.  I am now on the finger food and spa day ship where all the guests are talking about effective methods of breast feeding..   I hate this ship.  This ship is my worst nightmare.  I hope to god that I have at least one friend who will stand up to the masses and say "We will stick a penis on her old head and we will make her a suck for a buck shirt  - why? Because she's our friend and she deserves a penis hat!"

Reason #321 why dating sucks

I swear I think the entire male population has a touch of Autism.

If T-Pain needed an Intervention

For anyone that knows me you know that I have a MILD obsession with television show  Intervention on A&E.

 I like to come home from a long day at work, crack open a bottle of wine, eat some food that will probably kill me and play my favorite game of "what went wrong" while watching.  Mainly I go with the old standard of 1) touched by an uncle or 2) product of divorce.

On a recent episode it was about the downfall of a once famous boxer named Rocky.  This emotional scene is what was on TV of him breaking down and giving an uncomfortable cry.  





Then someone out there set it to Auto Tune...and it makes me want to DANCE.

Twitter

Just a reminder - I like to drunk twitter...follow me at followmissyjoy

Adios A-hole!

Yea yea yea....It's been a LONG time..I KNOW.  Lucky for you my pain is your entertainment.

The online dating world has been choppy waters these days.  I still think that all girls will automatically put men into one of three categories upon meeting them.

1) They seem nice - They don't.  They are just hot.  Most likely a little stupid.  But this is the rationalization that we use to talk ourselves into either dating them again or justifying our own sluttiness.  There are clues to their NOT NICE everywhere but we chose to ignore them.  These guys are most likely married or living with someone.

2)  Nice Guy - Looks FANTASTIC on paper.  Good job.  So Cute.  Nice friends.  Problem - there's just no chemistry.  This SUCKS because you so want there to be.  Solution - many many drinks.

3) He's too nice -  This guy is RARE.  He's the gem and very hard to find.  Ladies - let's not brush these guys off because once you've dated enough douche bags there is just no such thing as "too nice".  He's usually really amazing and puts up with a lot of your crazy bull shit.  You just can't write him off because he is "too nice".

In the last few months my previous dates have consisted of a no show and someone who texted me gross things and wanted to take me to Chipotle for a romantic dinner.  I'm so over it.

Every Time I Turn Around

Every time I (turn around) walk by a refrigerator on the street being thrown out I can't help but being brought back to a "very special episode" of Punky Brewster. You know the one….the gang is playing hide and go seek outside and Cheri hides in the refrigerator that's being thrown out because someone left the door on.




What I love about this is that there were not one but TWO life lesions in this episode.

1) You should always remember to pay attention when being taught CPR. (Punky didn't think she'd ever need it so she was doing something else the day they taught this in class and low and behold, she did indeed need it that afternoon).



2) Proper appliance disposal practices. You would think that in this day of iPods, Kindle’s and all that other useless crap they would just start making ones that can open from the inside. But I guess that would just encourage adolescent shananagins and poorly thought out games of hide and go seek.



That Punky……Always on the cutting edge of education……and fashion.

Sometimes you feel like a nut

I know everyone has their "freak" dating stories but I just need to know what it is about me that EVERY story I have has to be about a freak? So I was emailing this guy back and fourth and the email went into texting. I wasn't too thrilled with it because - well I just don't get thirlled anymore. BUT he did say he was a personal trainer so that got me happy because I could kill two birds with one stone.  I took the below convo directly from my phone. It started out normal enough:

Day 1
Guy: How r u doing?
Me: Suffering through the longest work day ever!!! You?
Guy: At the Gym. Worked a bit this am. You're in NYC right?
Me: Yep. And at the moment blasting my gym playlist to help me get there tonight.
Guy: LOL nice
Me: It will be nicer if it works! Where in NJ are you? I know nothing about NJ.
Guy: Union County - 30 min from the city
Guy: like my pics? - (OK who asks that? Would i email you back if I thought you were a troll? Fishing for complements -2)
Me: Yes Very cute (Dumbass)
Guy: Thanks hun. Ditto. How old are you again? (Hun? FU)
Me: 17

pause for dramatic effect

Me: Kidding I'll be 32 on Wednesday
Guy: I'll be 32 in a month. Tell me more about your self
Me: Grew up in FL Live in NYC for the last 9 years
Guy: I was born in Fl too (+5!) in Key west
Me: Well I'm at the gym now so, give me a call later if you feel like chatting
Guy: K hun sounds good (HUN -1)

No phone call that night. (I'm kind of happy about this)

Day 2
9am
Guy: Hey sexy - Good morning! (Stop calling me stupid pet names)


1:15pm
Guy: Hey cutie! R U into Bi Men? (Ummmm WTF!)
Me: ummmm no can't say that I am. How about yourself?
Guy: yes I am (Man who wants to date me that enjoys the occasional penis - )

Me: yeahhhh that probably won't work for me but I wish you the best. (you complete nut case)

And so....back out there I go.

Alll the single fella's - Lesson 1

Annnnnnnnnnd we're BACK!

So I got very off task with my whole dating thing. I've been too busy - going to weddings. I'm noticing a trend here on these dating sites and I feel like I OWE it to the male population out there to give you a few tips on what NOT to do in your profile.

Profile Pictures:
1) Do not use a scanned picture - DUDE - it's 2010. If  you can't get your hands on a digital picture of yourself that you think represents you, then we have a problem. Since no one has developed a picture since the first Bush was President.

2) Don't wear a bright orange shirt- this looks like a prison uniform.

3) Shirtless self portrait taken with iphone in bathroom mirror - creative - douchebag.

4) Children - NEVER have any child other then your own in the picture. Unless you ARE a father, I don't need to see you swaddelng a infant. It's not going to make my ovaries jump thinking you are a single guy who is DYING to reproduce.

5) Kittens - Whatever guys don't like kittens. They grow into cats. We know you are just trying to get laid.

6) Admit you live with your parents

7) Ed Hardy - If I see Ed Hardy anything...delete...........................................douchebag.

8) Justin Timberlake - If a picture comes up with you and Justin Timberlake, I'm going to think YOU are just a guy who looks like JT and will smile, wink, flirt with you with out reading the caption that you are the deformed troll on the LEFT of Justin TImberlake whom you ran into at Win Dixie.

9) Group shot - Picture it a group 3 guys..a priest, a blind guy, and an old man. I'm supposed to pick which one of you is this profile for? I'm so happy I paid money to get this exclusive information.

10) Sexy face - Please don't look at the camera like I one valume and a rum runner away from being locked in your basement. Your "Bedroom" eyes face looks like a date rape set to the sweet sweet songs of Dave Matthews and Jack Johnson. ..