EW I just keep thinking of the Brit Brit movie

I have to say I'm really at one of the WEIRDEST points in my life.  For the first time in I'm 11 years old, I am not a working member of society.

One one hand.....I wouldn't change one single thing about how or why it all went down.  It needed to happen for me.  Here I am at (Ahem) 38 years old and giving this what feels like - a 3rd chance at life.

I almost thank God (which is something I don't do) everyday that this part of my life came after my weight loss surgery.  I think back to when I was heavier and I was afraid to look for other jobs.  For so many reasons:  (1) My TH family accepted me no matter what.  They didn't see my size and they didn't judge me.  (2) I was not confident and it showed.  Even if I got called in for an interview, I don't think I had anything too wear that fit.


I'm so so so very thankful and FUCKING TERRIFIED for this moment.  I don't even have a clue as to what I want to do.  What to go into but I do know, all I want is to find my passion.  I have many loves, and many things that I'm good at but I want my "PASSION"  that thing, deep inside that pushes you to go on even when you are tired or sad because you LOVE IT.

Part of me thinks I found what makes me happy,  It's helping people in some possible way feel confident.  I just have no clue how to go about mixing the two to form, you know a life style.

What would you do if you could do anything?   (I'd marry rich but so far  -  that's fucking not panning out as planned)

Find your Passion? WTF

  

I know, I know.....I've been AWFUL with this.  Well folks...good news and bad.  The GOOD news is:  I have a TON of free time to keep this updated now  and I have more time to date so that is always good for a laugh (or reason to die).

The bad news, (really just for me) is that I was laid off in June.  Which totally sucks but it's nice to actually have time as an adult to find your passion.  (And to think this entire time I've been looking for it on Tinder)

Speaking of dating.  How much does it SUCK!?  Since the weight loss, I've had two relationships and now I'm being REALLY forced to get to know the new me on my own.   

I still feel like I'm dealing with my last break up (which was seriously like 6 months ago.  I need to get OVER it).   My issue with it is that...it was a great relationship.  I can honestly say that he was wonderful but we just weren't right for each other.  That's a hard thing to say at 38.

So....now what?

The "New Me" is a bitch. (Maybe)

In the last few days SEVERAL people have suggest I read the book called "Why Men Love Bitches".  Apparently, I do it all wrong....all the time.

I have to say I'm not really a big believer in these books.  I just feel like I'm going to be myself and the right guy will like me for me.   Apparently,  not the case.

I think there is a disconnect when you go from being a larger gal in the dating world to a smaller one and it honestly has zero to do with size.  It's all mental.  It's how you feel about yourself and what you think you see in the mirror.  The truth is what  you see in that mirror is what other people are going to see in you.  If you are confident, no matter what size tag is on your shirt, that's what comes off to people.

I was not one of those people.  I think that's why "old me" made TERRIBLE choices in men.  It's like I thought "OMG someone likes this lumpy fat girl, this is my ONLY shot".    I've learned to get past that part now and I've learned to like the way I look.  But I do notice I continue to be a doormat when it comes to men.  It's not that I think that there will be no one else, it's just that I want to be the "nice girl".

The nice girl is always usually available and the nice girl will rearrange her schedule to see the new guy she is dating.  The nice girl always makes room because she wants to be accommodating.  

The real theme to this book (that I think everyone should read).  Is to be your OWN person.  Have your OWN thoughts, express them.  Have plans, have a life, do things.  It's easy to get caught up in something new but that flame burns out quickly because there is nothing left to discover.  You (or he or both) get bored and you feel like you've already been through all phases of the relationship.

It honestly made me see so many places where I went wrong in my previous relationship.  (Other than the fact that I shouldn't have been in it in the first place).

So now, I've been on two whole dates with this new guy.  We shall call him "the quiet one" because he could be the quietest person I have ever dated.  The quiet one has this annoying habit of texting me, I reply and than nothing for an entire day.  I mean do you get a response, throw your phone into an abyss and spend the next 24 hours fishing it out?  ANNOYING.

The quiet one seems like someone I could possibly really like (based on our two dates) but who knows, I'm sure the Jordan Vandersloot had 2 dates with the same girl.  (Yes I have a fear of serial killers).  So it's been two weeks and he's been sick.  I was about to write him off when last night I got a flirty text from him.  Before reading this book I would have texted something flirty back.  I stopped myself and thought, it's Friday night and he needs to wonder if I'm out.  So New Melissa did not text back.  (But totally will later today because I'm not a bitch, I'm mysterious damn it).

I'm totally ready to put this theory to the test.  If this doesn't work my next book is going to be "How to have your dog not eat your face when you die alone"

Skinny Bitch

I know I know....I'm never on.  I never had anything to say before now!  I've struggled for a while about what this blog should be about since I'm kind of all over the place myself.  But here's a history to catch you up since the last post.

I've now lost 105 lbs.  WHOOOOO.   Back in January when I hit under 200 I decided that NYE 2013 was going to be the start of my "Slutbatical".  I was going to make up for lost time.  I was so ready to go.  I rented this HOT red dress from rent the runway (lace).  I went to a match.com stir event at a hot night spot in NYC.  I WAS READY.

So we walk in.  All the ladies, not cute.  (HELLO BELL OF THE BALL!).  I mean it was amazing.  Cute guys and now this!  Anyway, I decided to to scope the room.  I see who I think is the hottest guy there and walk up to him and tell him so.  Naturally...he is a total dick.  My next move, more booze.

I take my drink and sit down...it's midnight.  My long time "what if" guy texts me.  I instantly cry.  NOT how I want to ring in 2014.  Like at all.  (More booze is needed.  Head straight to the bar.)

Along comes said "hottest guy in the room" and he is nice and says he is sorry.  We talk for like 10 min.  I drink for 7 of those min.  Cut to...bathroom make out.  Nice....(Slutbatical...back on).

We end up leaving shortly after.  He is promising me he wants to take me to dinner that Friday.  Fine whatever.  This starts our long line of texting.  I start noticing.  He is FUCKING INSANE.  Like off the charts, wears his mothers clothing while playing the acoustic guitar naked and looking in the mirror - INSANE.

WTF...Skinny girls aren't supposed to have problems like this!  SOMEONE LIED TO ME!

Cut to Friday..I tell this guy to NEVER contact me again and figure out how to block him from calling (thanks google!).  As I'm doing this I get a message on OKcupid from a guy who looks like he is JUST my type...Blond, Blue eyed, Midwestern.  I agree to go out with him that night.  And than we dated for 8 months.  So my "Slutbatical" was 3 days of texting a potential serial killer.

Sadly, or not so sadly (as that relationship seemed to to be one of connivance and less of actual giving a shit) ended.

So now I'm back in it.  Skinnier and more lost than ever.  I miss the "what if" dude daily and talk to him on and off.  He's the worst thing for me and I keep doing it.  I'm pissed that my bf of connivance has moved on to a 30 year old hipster with a fucking cat and plastic bows in her hair.  She looks like she only speaks in a baby voice and she is absolutely called something that ends in a "y" or "i".

So now I think my entire approach to dating needs to change since I did.  I'm going into "Skinny Bitch Mode"

PHAT with a PH

Well it's that time of year again.  You know when I post something and make promises to update this and all of a sudden it's a year later?  I know I suck at updating this.  But A LOT has gone on this past year that has kept me from updating.

Many of my inspiration comes from attempting to date and well I didn't do a ton of that in 2013.  Here's why....I spent most of it (as I have spent the last 12-14 years) as a fatty.  Fun fact: Fatties don't like to date.  I mean I would get myself out there as much as possible but - well the guys that I am attracted to, don't really like chunky girls.

So I have spent the better part of the year not trying to focus on dating and really trying to focus on myself.  Trying to lose weight and nail this promotion I've been hunting down for the last 2 years.  So on this last few hours of 2013 I can say I've nailed 1.5 of those things.  I DID get the promotion (high five to myself) and I've lost 78 lbs.  And here it goes ... I'm going to throw it out there.  I went from 255 (that's right...I'm going to own that number) to 177.  Now, I'm 5'2.  I am by NO means thin now.  I still would like to drop another 52 lbs.  Which is no small task.  But I'm ready for it.

So this year I thought in addition to my dating and work struggles I would also include how freaking hard it is to manage to lose weight, work your ass off and find a man who isn't a total douche bag.

I can say that there is a giant difference between dating at 255 pounds and 177.  I can see how now I feel like I have more options and I can be a little more picky.  By picky I don't mean snobby but I do notice how I don't put up with things I would have put up with in the past.  Which is good because that just means I'm gaining confidence and THAT is the most sexy thing a woman can possess.  It's not about the size of my jeans, it's about I feel about myself.

So tonight, in honor of making 2014 my bitch, I'm spending NYE at one of those match.com stir events.  This is going to go one of 3 ways.

1) Vulva Convention - The entire place is going to consist of 200+ women who have spent hours and hours prepping and primping thinking that there are going to be a ton of cute guys only to spend the night attempting to drink $160 worth of open bar only to end the night barefoot on the dance floor singing "I'm a survivor" and screaming that this turned out awesome because "I have no single friends in the city anymore and now we can have a girls night out"  ?

2) What Agency are you an Account Coordinator for? - Everyone will be a 23 year old entry level Coordinator for an advertising agency.  "Oh e-marketing for a pharmaceutical company? Sounds exciting!" (said no one).   Should this be the case, I'm 25 and "I totally think that I'm going to make Account Director in a year or so - let's celebrate now with some shots of pink shit".  I have no shame.  It's NYE.

3)Tony and Ant escape the island - The only people that show up to this thing is every Italian dude on Staten Island.  They spend hours on their GTL today and spend a good chunk of the time roaming around the mall to find the perfect deep V shirt to wear.

If I'm lucky I will run into Tony the Italian 23 year old AC from Staten Island.  I will do my best to drink the cost of my ticket and end the night screaming barefoot on the dance floor with Tony's cousin Brianna and her 34 drunk girlfriends.

Life is like a box of chocolate..and black nipples

Now that I'm slowly stepping back into the NYC dating puddle, I thought I'd share what is out there. This guy. I'm not sure why this is profile picture or who this attracts. But here you go.

Like 2 lemons? Or 2 grapefruit?

Look I'm really excited that you Are a champion for world peace (because that will happen and it's original) and that you have a job you like.

But...lets discuss your balls.